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Uptight in a sea of loose crew
Posted: Friday, May 22, 2009 2:55 PM

Dear Crew Confessor,
I've been working as a stewardess for just over a year now and have few complaints. I am on a good boat with a great captain and the owners are demanding and petty at times but hey, they pay a lot of money to have their demands met. So it's all good, mostly. What i wasn't prepared for was the large amount of sex going on. Here on my boat we have the VIP cabin that crew can use for overnight guests, oftentimes arguments start during mealtimes over whose turn it is to use it next! There have also been times when evidence of "activity" has been recovered on the flybridge, near the sun pads.
A few weeks ago during a rough crossing things got quite tossed around. At one point I went down to crew quarters for my jacket and discovered my roommates cabinet had discharged it's contents all over the floor of our cabin. The "contents" were rolling violently about on the floor and though I wanted to pick them up and put them away I could not. I can only describe them as being anatomically correct devices for the use of lonely women! There were a lot of batteries rolling about as well so I can only guess that there were some moving parts. Okay, fine. I'm shy, this freaks me out. Now I feel like I should be careful before entering my own cabin, just in case my roomie is "using" one her implements. Is there a lot of casual sex in this industry? Or is it just my boat? Is there something wrong with me for feeling so uptight about this?

Posted: Saturday, May 23, 2009 12:04 AM
Gulp, blush, sigh. "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with" --- even if that means yourself.
An Owner
Posted: Saturday, May 23, 2009 12:57 AM
Joined: 15/01/2009
Posts: 53

 Let me get this straight. Your owner as do I, allow the crew a suite to entertain their own guests aboard his boat, and you consider him petty and demanding?

 That is just about the epitome of ingratitude if I have ever seen it, but the solution is clear. The owner should allow you to entertain only your immediate family on board and make sure that your entire crew is aware that the change in policy is to address your feeling of intimidation or dare I say, harassment?

After all, we can't be having damaged esteems running around worried about what others do behind closed doors, now can we? 

Posted: Saturday, May 23, 2009 1:27 AM

Maybe you're being a little uptight over your roomie with respect to her privacy...but I am with ya on the rediculous perversion and casual sex going on in the biz...maybe it goes hand in hand with the drug use.

  And I NEVER understood why people especially women would do stuff like that with themselves instead of as a couple.  Especially if she's got a roommate. Guys are naturally gross and pathetic over stuff like that [sorry, but gotta say]...but I guess they have their "urges" to do so.  Maybe society allows men to be like that when it is unnecessary and pathetic as well. 

But for women who do that?  Ew, and wierd. In any industry.  Try to switch rooms if you can

Posted: Saturday, May 23, 2009 10:32 AM
Joined: 15/10/2008
Posts: 2

"In terms of occurrence, most of us masturbate, whether we are male or female. Alfred Kinsey, an important sexologist in the US during the 1940s and 1950s, found that 95% of males and 85% of females masturbated. His study is a quite few decades old now and those numbers will probably have increased even further with less sexual repression in the Western world. Again, masturbation is a normal sexual behavior which most of us enjoy.

People vary greatly in how often they masturbate. As you can see from the figures above, a few people do not masturbate at all. Some people masturbate on a monthly basis and others do it every day. All are OK - and normal. People in their teens and early twenties probably masturbate the most (even several times a day)."

"Not only is there a taboo for women to masturbate, but there's also a greater taboo against talking about it. No doubt, for some women (and some men), talking about sex can also be awkward, so shyness, as you mentioned in your question, may be another, though lesser, factor. It doesn't have to be this way. Masturbation is a healthy and natural part of sexuality. It enables people to learn about their own bodies and genitals as well as to recognize and develop their sexual responses or orgasms. It also helps to foster communication in intimate relationships by making it easier for partners to identify and express what feels good physically and sexually for them and to each other. Candid discussions about sexuality and sexual pleasure can help free women (and men) from the historically negative influences that have bound and prevented some women (and some men) from discovering, exploring, and enjoying their sexual selves."

This is 2009 ladies, woman's lib happened long ago, try and get with the program. This is why crew quarters are considered confined living, tolerance and understanding is paramount.


Posted: Sunday, May 24, 2009 2:01 PM
Joined: 27/01/2009
Posts: 8

I can understand and appreciate your concerns and your views as should your crew mates. However, based upon your post you seem more distruaght opver what is happening behind closed doors, in someone elses privacy!

There is a special room set aside for the crew to enteretain which then removes them from the crew quarters. This is means that the owner and captain respect your privacy and your access to your quarters without your crew mates "locking you out for a while" if they have a special guest.

The incident you mentioned of the dildo was a result of rough passage and the contents spewing on the ground. She did not leave it exposed beside the bed, she had it away, but by accident you found it. I think she was respectful in that she did not leave it about carelessly.

So far it sounds like the crew is pretty respectful. While some or most of your crew may have sex on the brain a lot, as long as it does not affect you (harrasment), other than your worrying about walking in on someone, it sounds like the crew are more respectful of your preferences than you realize. After all there could be blatant orgies on the deck and they could be daly soliciting your involvement!

Now if all of this still bothers you, there ARE other jobs and yachts to check out.

Just my 2 cents worth!


Thomas Petersen, Captain



Posted: Sunday, May 24, 2009 2:05 PM
You cannot expect to live in such close quarters with other people, and not feel a little uncomfortable from time to time. Working as a crew member entitles you to little privacy, and all people, including crew have needs to be met. Not all boats have a VP cabin, but most boats do have crew that masturbate, and, or have sex. Let's face it, most people talk about sex.... I personally would not like to have sex in a room, on a bed, where all of my fellow crew members shag, but hey to each his /her own (I guess it's better then the laundry room/engine room/dry stores...LOL). This industry is full of fun, energetic, open minded people who are going to work hard, and play hard. You are entitled to your feelings, but should maybe consider moving to another industry for own own well being.
Posted: Sunday, May 24, 2009 4:05 PM
You work on a great boat with a great captain with what is probably "good" owners. You've been in the industry a year. What did you expect??? I agree with some of the other posts - I probably would opt out for a hotel rather than that VIP cabin that the owners and captain have so graciously offered the crew. Each to his own. I am wondering what you would do if you met a great guy and how this would affect your outlook??? As far as the cabin mate's sex toys. BIG DEAL!!! Just because it seems taboo to you, doesn't mean it is to everyone. I personally think it's great. Don't be so uptight. As the other post said, she didn't leave it out on her nightstand or propped up in the head for you to see. She had it put away, it came out in rough seas. WHO CARES?????????????? Again, what did you expect?? You live in a small confined space with people you had never met. You eat, sleep, work and (if you're lucky) socialize with these people; they have become your family. Respect them, it's not for you to judge. Maybe you might even get out there and have a little safe fun yourself!!! I have been in this industry for 11 years, I was single when I started, and trust me, there was a time when I was keeping score by country. Always safe, always smart. I met my husband in the industry and we have successfully run several yachts with lots of crew and hey, everyone has a great time. Just be smart about it.
Posted: Sunday, May 24, 2009 6:03 PM
Joined: 24/05/2008
Posts: 1

Dear Troll, Welcome to yachting. Been to St Maarten yet? Maybe you should consider another industry.
Posted: Monday, May 25, 2009 4:05 AM

Hey, go easy here on the original author of this post!  From what I can tell from most of the responses (and from what I've seen) . . . . it's pretty much the norm in this industry . . . . where it's okay to be promiscious.  If you're looking for morality or something that even remotely hints of morals, you're in the wrong business!

Furthermore, I highly doubt that the owner is aware of the musical VIP romps amongst the crew, as described in the original post.  Even if the captain allows it, what right does he have to offer up guest staterooms to crew in the first place?  As a captain, he/she should clear this with the owner (being completely truthful in that it's basically going to be a free-for-all for, one night stands, pick 'em up at a bar situations; definitely not under the guise of "it's for family members to visit".  And, by the way, who gets to detail the "romper room" after each romp? . . . . is it the expectation that the stew(s) get to clean up after each crew member's "entitlement" romp? 

Guests pay a fortune to stay in a stateroom for one night!  Can't imagine that there's too many owners out there that  would be thrilled with the arrangement of crew staying in the staterooms.  And, chances are, if they're perfectly fine with it, then that may simply be because they're morally bankrupt as well.  I suspect the owner of this particular boat is either not aware of the goings on, or, at best, does not know the entire truth.  I think crew should look at their attitude of "entitlement" in this regard from an owner's perspective.  The crew needs to ask themselves . . . . "if I were the owner of this yacht, would I mind that the crew was using it as their own?" 

Yup . . . . many crew believe they're "entitled" to live like the owners.  After all, the owners don't ever need to know, do they!!!

I've got four words for all of you with this attitude . . . . GET A FREAKIN' ROOM!!!

Yachting . . . . No Morals Required

TO THE AUTHOR OF THIS POST:   It's admirable to have morals . . . .just know that it's not very popular these days, especially in the yachting industry.


Posted: Monday, May 25, 2009 5:07 PM

RE: SEX Onboard. Yes, as a 15 year vetrean in the industry I agree that as of late (especially) it really is absolutley out of hand and typically as in ANY work/employment situation THE FISH STARTS TO STINK FROM THE HEAD DOWN and the responsibility for the "Tone being set or not set" as regrads sexual behavior/abuse in the workplace/onboard lies directly with the capt.

There ARE sexual harrassment laws... and I know of girls who have recently sued vessels I have been on AND WON huge settlements!!!!.....

Bottomline: NO ONE should ever be made to feel uncomfortable while performing thier assigned duties!!! Look, it is just a matter of time before other owners (who are also the ones being sued as they are reponsible for the actions of their captains/managers) start losing therie boats over this and in this economy there are many attorney's and law firms JUST WAITING to sink thier teeth into cases like this BELIEVE ME....

The Boat I am now on has a strict NON Fraternization policy...ON BOARD...and IF you want to hook up get a room ONSHORE...NOTE: but typically the couples will not be kept onboard long ( for whatever reason) after discovery.

On our vessel now, our captain has taken charge and we have truly become marine service professionals and conduct ourseleves as such. Our persoanl lives are just that...we make A LOT OF MONEY and are simply asked to perform our duites as scheduled conduct ourseleves with maturity and good common sense and laugh all the way to the bank.

Sadly, on most of the other vessels I have witnessed these occurances the Capt.'s themseleves were the worst offenders, some of them I in fact I consider serial borderline criminal abusers! But what happens is the girls just leave, the owners NEVER have a clue...the rest of us are afraid to lose our jobs etc.......and it continues.

So to answer:

If you find yourself really compromised and uncomforatble KEEP a comprehensive log, both written and video (latter very easy to do with all the many cellphone applications) and document, document, document then seek out leagl could wind up owning one of these vessels yourself ! Or at least retiring YEARS before you had planned.

NOTE: KEEP in mind that once you sue any employer you automatically become "litigous" NO MATTER WHAT THE REASON and will NEVER work in that industry again...I am sure the two girls who won awards from our employer well in the 7 figures could care less about working onboard ever again and are living in paid off new homes with few financial wories anymore.

Everyone just smarten up for god's sake. These are great jobs and opportunities for many of us to realize dreams and goals that otherwise would be is sad that such inept management allows these conditions to exisit in ANY industry.

El Velcro
Posted: Monday, May 25, 2009 6:00 PM
Joined: 19/03/2009
Posts: 17

[comment deleted by moderator] Take the money? WTF?

Have we descended to this? I worked on yachts for 14 years in the Med and the Windies, with all the usual suspects but the Captains I worked for were fair and just. They wanted a happy crew and bent the rules a little. Yours seems to go over the top somewhat and I wouldn't like to work in that environment. But hey, I'm over 60 now and take most things with a pinch. My (our) employers wouldn't have dreamt of giving us a 'special VIP' cabin and we wouldn't expect one. Sun, sea and sand, that always was the best place for sex!

Basically, wakey wakey! Get on the case, Womens' Lib and all that. You (ladies) asked to be treated equally, now you have been....

Loosen up...

Posted: Monday, May 25, 2009 7:20 PM
Joined: 21/06/2008
Posts: 2

I think the "Sexual Harassment" poster is a little confused and possibly inexperienced in healthy sexual attitudes.

Crew enjoying sex in the privacy of a suite, behind closed doors, is not abusive or harassing in any way.

Having ones personal property accidentally spill in a rough Sea is an accident.  Abuse and harassment have nothing to do with it.

From what the original poster wrote, it doesn't seem as though anybody is asking her to participate or even discussing it with her.

What is abusive is people with unhealthy, minority sexual opinions (don't masturbate) and unhappy sexual experience (uncomfortable with other people enjoying sex behind closed doors)  trying to impose their distorted view on the rest of the world thru predatory lawsuits.

If you really think other people enjoying sex is abusive and you should be paid for being exposed to it, I think the only place you can expect to be happy is in a monastery.  But then again, who knows what goes on behind those closed doors!


Posted: Tuesday, May 26, 2009 5:31 PM

AGAIN, for all you card-carrying, vibrator-holding, members of the "crew entitlement club" who think that it's perfectly fine to be able to use their owner's boat as they see fit (that includes the captains who think that they have the unilateral decision in how the crew can use the "owner's" property . . . . GET A FREAKIN' ROOM !!!

The original poster, myself & other like-minded crew members could care less what your sexual preferences (guy/guy, girl/girl, girl/vibrator . . . . you get the point), we just don't feel that we need to be subjected to the goings on in this regard.  I think we can all agree that sex is a private matter . . . . if someone else on board knows that you're having sex on board (VIP Romper Room), then privacy ceases to exist.  Every crew member's right/expectation of not having to be subjected to another crew member's sex life trumps all arguments otherwise contained herein . . . . GET A FREAKIN' ROOM !!! 




Posted: Wednesday, May 27, 2009 5:18 PM

For all of you that are interested in this forum, please take the time to also read the Dockwalk article by Capt. Taylor Lawson titled "16 Things Great Crew Know".  The article is well thought out AND written by a seasoned captain that's been in the yachting industry for well over ten years . . . . there's a reason why his first point is #1.  It reads . . . . 

1)  "There are specific rules to yachting.  The first is to refrain from intimacy with the owner and guests.  Know that guest spaces are for guests, crew quarters are for crew.  If you find yourself waking up in the master cabin, it could prove problematic."

I would much prefer to be part of this captain's program as opposed to that of the one in this forum that has designated the VIP stateroom as the crew play pen. 

Has anyone else thought about the liability issues that this situation could place the owner in?  This captain should be concerned, as well, should a sleepover decide to cry sexual harassment after the fact . . . . I suspect he would be accountable along with the owner . . . . pretty deep pockets those yacht owners have !!!  That, in and of itself, should be enough reason for an owner to have the expectation of their captain to "run a tighter ship". 




Crew Confessor
Posted: Thursday, May 28, 2009 8:02 PM
Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 94

Dear Uptight,

Congratulations on having a well paid job on a yacht working for a "great captain.!"

The Crew Confessor can only surmise that you are either quite young and relatively innocent and naive OR you are older, but repressed sexually, and a bit of a prude. Either way, it is about time that you open your eyes and accept that living in close quarters with your fellow crew mates will inevitably reveal aspects of their lives that, while normal and healthy, may cause you some embarrassment. As I am sure you are well aware, unless you are the product of artificial insemination, or some other such hi tech procedure; without sex none of us would be here, and as distasteful as it may be to imagine it, all of our parents had sexual intercourse prior to our arrival (nine months to be exact) in this world. Perhaps even more disturbing to you is the likelihood that they continued this activity before and after your conception, for the simple reason that they enjoyed it.

Most of the animal kingdom is more focused on the reproductive purpose of sexual activity, making we humans members of a very small club (humans, dolphins and bonobos come to mind), that find sex a pleasurable activity throughout the year, regardless of fertility. Presumably we evolved this way as a means to cement social bonds that gave us a better chance of survival and likelihood of passing our genes on. That whole evolution thing isn't just about the shape of a finch's beak you know.

A healthy attitude toward sexuality, both your own and those around you is the hallmark of a well adjusted and balanced individual. You are working in an environment largely populated by attractive healthy young people, in the prime of their lives. They and you are sexual beings. It is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone poops and everyone has sex (or nearly everyone).

Masturbation, contrary to one poster's prudish attitude, is enjoyed by men and women of all ages, to varying degrees. It is a wonderful way to relieve sexual tension, promote a good nights sleep, or even relieve menstrual cramps. It has the added benefit of eliminating both the need for contraception and safe sex practices. Of course this is an activity that should be done in private, and as we all know, privacy can be hard to get on a boat. Discretion, sensitivity, and respect for one another is paramount.

Your embarrassment over your cabin mates sexual toy being tossed out of a closed cupboard during a rough sea is childish and prudish. It would be one thing if you were kept awake by the roaring hum of her vibrator or moans of ecstasy, but that is not the case. Pick up the offending item and place it on her bunk, or back in the drawer. Nothing need be said. A polite tap on the door and a pause before entering your cabin is certainly not out of the question, and should relieve you of the concern that you will inadvertently witness something you would rather not.

How considerate that your captain does have a designated cabin for "encounters." Too often captains think only of themselves in this regard. And if it is maintained in tip top condition at all times I don't see a problem. Naturally people should clean up after themselves and surely any evidence on the flybridge should be properly removed. I know of some young men who were aware that their linen changing skills could never compete with the stews on his yacht so he made it a practice to "tip" them for their help in detailing the cabin after he used it, a practice adopted by the rest of the crew.

There are some here on this forum who objected to the idea that crew should be permitted to use a guest cabin for entertaining a guest on board. I fail to understand why. Sexual activity is not reserved merely for the owners and charter guests, and "getting a room ashore" is not only expensive but often not possible. If crew have respect for the yacht and their crew mates, I don't see a problem. And this may not work for every yacht, but if it is doable, why not?

As for the commenter who claimed that as soon as the crew were aware that sexual activity was going on then "privacy ceases to exist" well, have you ever worked with couples who share a cabin on the boat? Or a married (or with girlfriend) captain? What exactly do you think they are doing behind their cabin door? Grow up!

So, Uptight, I suggest you loosen up a little. Masturbation is perfectly normal and I will go so far as to suggest you try it yourself. After all there is little chance that you will experience the full pleasure of a sexual relationship with a significant other in the future, if you are ignorant about how to give yourself pleasure.

Sex is one of the fundamental drives that propel us through our lives, and can be the source of great pleasure and joy. There is nothing wrong with being shy about such things, but I suggest you open your mind and permit yourself to adopt a more mature attitude about it.

I can recommend an excellent book that discusses this issue in a respectful and healthy manner, "Sex for One: The Joy of Self Loving by Betty Dodson." is available through all the usual sources (like and a worthwhile read.

Your Crew Confessor
Posted: Thursday, May 28, 2009 9:05 PM

Wow !!!   Perhaps I missed it . . . . did the original poster ask for a class in Sexuality 101?

You know the old saying . . . .


the one that's talking (or thinking) about it the most is

the one that isn't getting any!!!



A previous poster said:  "Sexual activity is not reserved merely for the owners and charter guests . . . " 


I agree . . . . sexual activity is not reserved merely for the owners and charter guests . .. . .




That's why we direct "guests of the owner, owners and PAYING charterers" to the staterooms we all call "guest" staterooms.  I challenge you:  next time the owner, owner's guests or charterers come aboard, take them directly to the crew quarters.  Dimes to Dollars, they would never agree to that, however, that's basically what you're asking them to do . . . . I don't care how much/well you detail a room, YOU'RE NOT THE OWNER, OWNER'S GUEST OR CHARTERER!!!  If a charter broker informed a potential charterer that, when there are no guests aboard, the crew are allowed to sleep (or more accurately, have sex) in the guest staterooms, I'm absolutely positive that they would run in the other direction.  One poster was absolutely right when making the point that "charterers pay huge money to sleep in the guest cabins" and owners pay millions for their yachts (including your pay  . . . . . yes, you are an employee), might I remind you.  Wow . . . . and you think getting a room ashore is expensive! . . . . which brings me to my next point . . . .



A previous poster said:  . . . . and "getting a room ashore" is not only expensive but often not possible.


Whaaa, whaaaa, whaaaa . . . .

Well, let's see . . . . you get free room and board . . . . uuuuummmmm.   What's not to afford?  Perhaps you're just plum tapped out after tapping out the beer keg at the bar, buying rounds of drinks to impress your "soon to be" "guest/flavor of the night".  Or perhaps you're sending home huge amounts of child support for all your children from at least 5 different "guest visitors" you entertained in the VIP! 

I have a novel idea . . . . perhaps your fellow roommate could vacate your "crew" cabin for an evening, sleep on the salon floor on an air mattress . . . . then, they could do you the same good turn for you later.  Oh, what is that I hear you say? . . . . . that presents a problem? . . . . because it would be far less glamorous for your guest? . . . . Oh, I can see your dilemma . . . . certainly you have the right to the expectation for them to also "live up to the means of which you've become accustomed".  (sarcasm in use here, in case you didn't recognize it)

You seem to be very sexually well-versed.  That's great!!!  Good for you!!!  I trust (hope) you're just as well-versed in pregnancy prevention (????)

Perhaps you could enlighten us with the course on STD's 101 . . . . that being far more useful/applicable to the yachting community than Sex 101, given that everyone (including some of the posters on this string) is a self-proclaimed expert these days.  What's that you say?  Oh, you're not nearly as saavy on that subject ???  Pardon me, do you mind repeating that? . . . . . What's an STD???? 


A previous poster said:  "So, Uptight, I suggest you loosen up a little. Masturbation is perfectly normal . . . ."


. . . . great idea !!!

. . . . go for it !!!  

. . . . Best of all, as no other participant is required (alleviating the need to impress), you won't require a guest stateroom, given that it appears as though you're quite sufficiently impressed with yourself already . . . . please feel free to enjoy your "self" !!!


Problem Solved !!!  





Posted: Saturday, May 30, 2009 1:31 PM
Wow, this is certainly turning into a lively discussion!  There are a few comments I have issues with..... Firstly, the assumption that guest cabins are solely for guest use is not entirely correct.  On many smaller yachts the crew routinely move to a guest cabin when guests are not aboard.  I have always done this with the owners knowledge and approval. Also on deliveries, when taking on extra crew, or to move crew aft of the crew quarters where there is less motion and to facilitate better sleep in rough conditions. Stating that the Captain has no right to allow crew access to a guest cabin is ridiculous! Regardless of whether the owner is aware of this practice or not, the Captain makes the rules, that is why he is the Captain.  Where I think problems may develope, is having a guest on board that you do not know well.  If you pick-up someone in a bar etc. you are responsible for that persons behavior while they are aboard. Keep in mind that nice person you meet may be carrying illegal substances, or have sticky fingers!  As a captain I would have serious concerns about these issues.  Perhaps the use of the VIP cabin should be reserved for significant others, rather than casual encounters. Lastly, Debbie your comments are ridiculous!  Stating that guys are naturally disgusting masturbators, once again [comment removed by moderator]. Ultimately, giving the crew perks is a necessary way of keeping them happy and feeling appreciated, so a night in a guest cabin, inviting family aboard, use of water toys etc. is a great way of rewarding your crew.
Posted: Tuesday, November 9, 2010 12:45 AM
Wowee Mr Red and Shouty, calm yourself down! How angry are you?! Think you need some yourself! Ha ha. I agree with earlier posts, she should lighten up! This isn't the bloody girl scouts, we're all adults with needs. People do shag, and if they can't they'll have some alone time, this is normal & healthy! Get over it!
Posted: Tuesday, November 9, 2010 12:49 AM
Joined: 01/11/2008
Posts: 1

 Average 4 out of 5