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Singlehandedly Bringing on Global Warming
Crew Confessor
Posted: Wednesday, November 26, 2008 3:46 PM
Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 94


 


monback
Posted: Wednesday, January 21, 2009 12:29 PM
Joined: 21/01/2009
Posts: 36


Crew Confessor.......We have a Problem.......

Picked up a new deckhand a few weeks ago and this guys diet consists of Beer, boiled eggs and baked beans.  As you well know .... mix up those ingredients ,add stomach enzymes and presto.... Methane Bomb.  Its bad, real bad.  
   This guy is the Gas Prince, Flatulence Ground zero, singlehandidly bringing on Global Warming. 

 Its so bad he awoke me last night from a dead sleep with his acrid, eye watering, so thick you can cut it with a knife odor.......  I had to flee the cabin and hold out on a lounge chair aft for the night, dam mosquitoes took half my blood..
  What do we do ?  Hide the beans ??  Fit him out with Charcoal filtered underpants ?   rig him up with a standpipe, tie him to the mast and let him flare off like an oil platform ?? 
     Can  we simply heave the stink bomb overboard and let the sharks deal with him.  

   What are the rules ?????  MCA ?  STCW95 ? Help .............................


Crew Confessor
Posted: Friday, January 23, 2009 11:09 PM
Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 94


Dearest Monback,

You do indeed have a problem. Hopefully his diet will become more balanced, perhaps a confab with the chef is in order? I am certain that many others read your posting and nodded their heads, having been in the same boat, so to speak. Sometimes indeed one's only recourse, short of abandoning ship is to flee for the crew quarters settee or a deck chair. Unlike snoring (another issue) the release of large amounts of noxious flatulence is inescapable (theoretically one can plug ones ears against the snoring) and possibly life threatening in the small confines of a crew cabin.

I for one was relieved that the new IMO regulations prohibit more than two crew to a cabin, myself once subjected to bunking in a single cabin containing four crew, the levels of gas often became life threatening, particularly for those on the upper level.

How dangerous might excessive farting, ahem, flatulence be? In search of answers I thought I would investigate those who are most at risk, the extreme perpetrators so to speak, who are often the victims as well. I am of course speaking of submarine sailors and astronauts. It doesn't take much imagination to see the gravity of this issue. As early as the Gemini missions NASA was concerned about this issue. After all in significant concentrations methane gas is highly combustible and thus a potential fire hazard. Never a good thing but especially dangerous on a submarine or space station, not to mention the closed environment and the possibility of the fart that keeps on giving...

Astronauts are given a diet that minimizes gas but zero gravity appears to encourage flatulence. Fortunately zero gravity also represses the sense of smell. Activated charcoal filters ARE reported to be integrated into modern space suits and garments in the obvious areas for safety and esthetic reasons. Perhaps bags of the stuff can be hung in the bunks.

Everyone remember the long distance marathon Soviet cosmonaut space excursions? What wasn't publicized were the long distance missions that were aborted/shortened because of "crew issues." Post cold-war information has come to light that excessive flatulence led to such severe psychological turmoil that some of these missions had to be aborted on an emergency basis. Just goes to show you, you can test for all sorts of psych profiles and character traits but excessive flatulence is enough to drive the most stable of crew over the edge.

Pretty much the same issues are present on submarines. Living conditions are better on modern subs but they still ahem, stink.

But what about you and your problem?

On a practical note, speak to the chef, ask him to cut down on the beans and cabbage. Eggs only for breakfast or lunch. Have a heart to heart talk with your bunkmate and hand him a bottle of a remarkable product: BEANO! Just one or two pills taken with his dinner should greatly reduce the odors. Try to crack a hatch, and hang a charcoal filter in your cabin. 

Here is an "official" code drawn up by the US military to deal with this odiferous issue. An adaptation for the yachting world is in order?

Good Luck! It's easy to laugh but not so funny when it is you being gassed.

Your Crew Confessor

New Regs Regarding Shipboard Safety
R 081503Z JUN 07 PSN 740648J31
FM COMNAVSURFORCES WASHINGTON DC//N001//
SUBJ: SAFE WORK PRACTICES IN POTENTIALLY FLAMMABLE ATMOSPHERES // 

(FOR IMMEDIATE IMPLEMENTATION)

1. A PETTY OFFICER WAS TREATED AT A MILITARY TREATMENT FACILITY (MTF)
AFTER COMPLAINING OF SHORTNESS OF BREATH AFTER WORKING IN AN ENCLOSED
WORKSPACE WITH SEVERAL OTHER PERSONNEL. THE DINING FACILITY HAD SERVED A
MEXICAN MEAL FOR LUNCH, CAUSING SUSPECTED HIGH METHANE AND SULFITE
LEVELS IN THE ATMOSPHERE FROM THE CREW'S FLATULENCE.

2. MANY NAVY PERSONNEL WORK IN FACILITIES AND ON SHIPS WHERE FLATULENCE
MAY EXIST, AND DUE TO MISSION URGENCY ARE NOT ABLE TO IMMEDIATELY VACATE
THE SPACE SHOULD THE AIR BECOME FOUL. THIS MISHAP SERVES AS A STRONG
REMINDER THAT THE EXPRESSION OF FLATULENCE CAN BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS IN
THESE AREAS, UNLESS THEY ARE SPECIFICALLY LISTED AS INTRINSICALLY SAFE.
THE NAVY HAS DEVELOPED THE FOLLOWING SAFE WORK PRACTICE TO ADDRESS THIS PROBLEM: EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, THE PRACTICE OF EXPELLING FLATULENCE, COMMONLY
REFERRED TO AS "FARTING", "BREAKING WIND", OR "PASSING GAS", IS
PROHIBITED ABOARD ALL NAVAL SHIPS, BOATS, VEHICLES, AIRCRAFT, AND SHORE INSTALLATIONS.

3. THIS REGULATION APPLIES NOT ONLY TO AUDIBLE FLATULENCE, OR INCIDENTS
THAT ARE CLAIMED BY THEIR PERPETRATOR, BUT ALSO TO COVERT EVENTS SUCH AS
"DEADLY WHISPERS," "CHEEK SNEAKERS," AND "CROP DUSTINGS."

4. UNAUTHORIZED EXPULSION OF FLATULENCE IS TO BE PUNISHED UNDER THE UCMJ.
"HE WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT" IS CONSIDERED SUFFICIENT BASIS FOR PROSECUTION.
"I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GOING TO STINK" OR "I ATE AT THE GALLEY" IS NOT TO
BE ACCEPTED AS AN EXCUSE FOR FAILURE TO CONTROL ONESELF. THE TIME
HONORED EXPLANATION OF: "EXCUSE ME, I MEANT TO CRAP", WILL NO LONGER BE
ACCEPTED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE.

5. COMMANDS ARE INSTRUCTED TO ENSURE KNOWN GAS PRODUCING FOODS ARE
AVOIDED AT THE DINING FACILITIES. MEXICAN THEMED MEALS, NAVY OR BAKED
BEANS, CHILI, CABBAGE, AND EGG SALAD ARE NO LONGER AUTHORIZED MENU ITEMS.

6. THE LIGHTING OF FLATULENCE WITH ANY TYPE OF OPEN FLAME IS STILL
PROHIBITED.

7. THIS ORDER ALSO APPLIES TO THE FLEET MARINE FORCE, NAVAL AIR FORCES,
THE NAVAL CONSTRUCTION FORCE, AMPHIBS, CARRIER AND SUBMARINE FLEETS AS WELL.

8. THIS DIRECTIVE DOES NOT APPLY TO THE CLASSIC GUT BOMB SYNDROME
RESULTING IN LOOSE STOOLS CAUSED BY PARTAKING OF EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF
FAST FOODS. SEE BUMEDINST 6240.3A AND 6270.69.


Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 24, 2009 1:34 PM

Does the Captain know of the problem?  If not, the captain needs to know.  Not only is it unprofessional, the diet is unhealthy.  The deckhand can change or change the deckhand.  It is that simple.  One bad apple-rather one stinky apple.  With the shortage of jobs, new deckhands should be lined up down the dock.  There are many out there that want a job and would nearly do anything to be employed.  If the Captain does nothing, the crew has their ways of getting rid of the crew member who does not fit in.


Anonymous
Posted: Monday, January 26, 2009 3:37 AM
Hope the gas problems improve. You might try keeping industrial strength air freshener under your pillow, Ozium is good stuff.
 
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