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Working with an ex and his fiancee
Anonymous
Posted: Thursday, April 9, 2009 9:49 PM
Dear Crew Confessor,

I've been on holiday for a few weeks while the yacht has been in the yard. While away the captain hired some new crew members for the upcoming season, one of them an engineer/stew team that he was quite impressed by when we spoke on the phone. Finding an engineer is tough and he's giving them his cabin as an extra incentive.

The problem? I got to the boat and was in the galley doing a quick cleanout of the fridge when the new crew arrived and introduced themselves. I nearly passed out when the new engineer introduced himself... we'd met before. I know him in a very biblical way. He gave me a funny stare and acted as if we were meeting for the first time and I just went along with it. I can't believe this has happened! Our "relationship" did not end well. I thought we were headed for marriage and a white picket fence and when I became pregnant I thought this would just speed up our plans, but instead he informed me that he was seeing other people and he'd meant to tell me but didn't know how etc.... He broke my heart. He wouldn't even pay for the abortioin. Now I have to work with this guy and his girlfriend/fiancee. I can hardly look at him. My hadn starts shaking when he is around and the rest of the crew think somethings wrong with me. Help!
Anonymous
Posted: Monday, April 13, 2009 9:20 PM
Time to grow up. Find a new love interest and be glad you're well rid of him romantically and hopefully he'll be in the engine room all the time and you won't have to deal with him too much. He's a bum.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, April 14, 2009 2:06 AM
You might present the bill for your medical procedure to him and suggest that it is well overdue. He may be a good engineer, but he's no gentleman.
Caroline Freedman
Posted: Tuesday, April 14, 2009 6:59 PM
Joined: 24/10/2008
Posts: 3


Wow, what a difficult position to be in! I guess the first question is: how much do you like your job - now they have arrived! If the crew really think that there is something wrong with you because you are so emotional with your ex around, perhaps you should quietly look for another position. The Med season has just begun. Depending on your contract you could confide in the Captain but not if he is going to be the type that will decide to just fire you out of hand to prevent crew tension, seeing as his new Engineer is more valuable to him, being so hard to find. That means you have to keep it together and be strong.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is look after number one, keep your dignity and be a professional. We are all tested from time to time and how we handle ourselves is a measure of who we are. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he's getting to you as he is obviously NOT a gentleman. IF I was one of those  cowardly annonymous bloggers, I would have a much stronger word for him, I can assure you! Feel sorry for his fiancee - at least you got away!

Perhaps you should tell him how you feel and demand an apology when you do leave the boat - if that is what you decide and it's a good time to quietly inform the Captain of your reason for leaving so he knows the kind of guy the Engineer is. Meanwhile - be strong and good luck!


surferita80
Posted: Tuesday, April 14, 2009 8:41 PM
Joined: 25/03/2009
Posts: 1


what a scumbag! I'm sure it must be difficult for you, but if you leave, he wins, so stick it out as much as you can because I bet you he is scared to death that you are going to spill all the details of his cowardly actions. And you are much better off without him, you have a career that you should be proud of while he's dating the girl who scrubs the toilets! So you are clearly the winner
ecodepot
Posted: Tuesday, April 14, 2009 9:53 PM
Joined: 10/07/2008
Posts: 6


First off, I am sorry you have to face this situation.

You could go to your ex and ask him to withdraw.  It does not sound like he has the class to do it but if you like your job, I would ask him.  I certainly would not hide that you have a history together. 

You are obviously very sensitive to this issue.  If your ex will not withdraw, I would go to the captain and lay it out for him.  You have been a member of his crew.  As a captain, it is important I stand by my crew.  There is plenty of demand for chefs and there is no reason for you to have to stay in what is obvioiusly an untenable situation.  If the captain chooses to keep them over you he should offer you a great letter of recommendation AND bust his b___ to find you another position AND give you a generous severance check.

Capt. Ned Stone


Crew Confessor
Posted: Wednesday, April 15, 2009 9:34 PM
Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 94


Dear Jilted Chef,

You have my sympathies. You are certainly in, to say the very least, an uncomfortable situation. Working on yachts is rarely easy but you shouldn't have to live and work with an old relationship and his new relationship. Forgiveness is an honorable trait, but it doesn't appear that he deserves your forgiveness .

The engineer is a cad of the worst type. His behavior toward you displays an abhorent lack of character. Its funny when someone conducts themselves in such a manner in one aspect of their life it is very unusual for them acquire a more positive character for other aspects of his life, i.e. his professional working life. What I'm trying to tell you is that this sort of individual is also the sort of individual who might solicit a kickback, or easily accept one. If you were to stay on the vessel I would not be surprised if things came to light that reveal him to be a flawed individual and might result in his early separation from the boat.

The number one, most important concern here is your own well being. It doesn't seem fair that you should have to do it but I suggest you start looking for a new position. Life is too short and you are miserable right now. It would be terrible to allow this situation to drive you to self medicating or some other harmful behavior.

I would sit down privately with the captain and tell him the entire story. Explain to him how this wasn't just a short term relationship that didn't work out. It was serious event in your life ,and having to face him and his new girlfriend at every turn has created an untenable working and living environment.

From here I defer and bow to my nominee and winner for the Crew Confessor Captain of the Year Award. What? You weren't aware that the Crew Confessor was giving out awards? Okay, it's a spur of the moment sort of thing. The advice of Captain Ned Stone and his generous sharing of how he feels the captain should handle the situation speaks of the honorable gentleman that he most certainly must be. Are you reading this captains out there? The Crew Confessor holds captains who stand up for their crew in very special regard.


"You have been a member of his crew.  As a captain, it is important I stand by my crew.  There is plenty of demand for chefs and there is no reason for you to have to stay in what is obvioiusly an untenable situation.  If the captain chooses to keep them over you he should offer you a great letter of recommendation AND bust his b___ to find you another position AND give you a generous severance check. Capt. Ned Stone"

This is what your captain should do.

Remember, this too shall pass and if you do leave the boat try to treat yourself to a few days of pampering in a spa or some such similar sort of sojourn to decompress from that pressure cooker. Do not allow your sense of self worth and well being to be co-opted by this cad, and consider yourself well rid of him.

Your Crew Confessor


 
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