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Too close to the owners for comfort
Anonymous
Posted: Sunday, February 22, 2009 1:25 PM

 

Dear Crew Confessor,

This is very embarassing. I am chief stew on a lovely yacht that I enjoy working on to no end. It has been nearly five years and I hope to put in a few more before I embark on a new phase in my life. Sounds great right? Almost. The yacht I work on is very much a family style yacht, and over the past years I have grown quite close to the children as I have been watching them grow up and have often been treated as a family member. My problem is double sided. I have always sensed that the owner himself has had "designs" on me by the way he looks at me, touches me without good reason, etc... I have managed to deflect this over the years, avoided being alone with him, laughing off his little double entendres, shaking off his friendly "hugs" that sort of thing. Unfortunately it appears that he and the wife are headed to divorce and his attentions have become more obvious. Last time he was on board he chased me around the bed in the master, with his wife in the salon! Meanwhile the son has grown up to be quite the handsome young man, and I'll tell you Crew Confessor, he has me so sorely tempted. Of course, I would never... do anything, but it is all rather odd being pursued by the father and the son like this when honestly I don't want anything to do with either one. I desperately want to keep my job. The captain is a rather old style, new on the job and not one I could confide in for advice or count on for support. What the hell should I do?


Anonymous
Posted: Monday, February 23, 2009 6:26 AM

It's rally simple dahlin! Wait for the divorce papers to go through, sign on for the prenuptial agreement then kick dad to the curb. Get an apartment near the marina and set up house with junior while building your own boat. Once it is done, have junior move in a make him pay the upkeep. Of course you'll probably have to hang onto junior for a few years waiting for the trust fund to kick in and all, but once it does it is time for Prenup Chapter Two Verse Two.

Men are such suckers.  

Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, February 24, 2009 2:04 AM
How old is the son? If he's underage you could be arrested!
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, February 24, 2009 3:09 AM

Caroline,

You need to stop this insanity (with old men and old money/yachts)!

They're just not that into you anyway.


Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, February 24, 2009 3:37 AM

 Not enough information. Please submit picture, semi nude, 5 x 7. Advice to follow.

Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, February 24, 2009 8:46 AM
Brilliant!
slug
Posted: Tuesday, February 24, 2009 8:59 AM
Joined: 11/01/2009
Posts: 22


Ya, I know a first class female captain.  Difficult life , either the owner is all over her or the owners wife is jealous and  spitting venom .  Tough life for girls around the water.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, February 24, 2009 3:11 PM
The obvious solution is to get off of the yacht.  Your job has been compromised.  There is no reason to subject yourself to the pressures of such a mock soap-opera entanglement of affairs.  When money mix with such intentions, rich individuals might forget that you aren't obligated to comply.  Your sense of loyalty to the yacht can't supersede the value of your sanity.  I hope you can try to take an objective look at this situation, and realize that a relationship (with either man) while you are gainfully employed, is at the very least unethical and downright awkward.  As a stew, your job is to serve and in return you are paid.  You can't expect a reciprocal attention to your needs with either man.  
Anonymous
Posted: Thursday, February 26, 2009 12:36 PM
May I suggest that you tell the captain you are leaving in a month.   When he ask you why, you tell the whole story.  Make sure he understand that you have had it.  Hopefully he will tell the owner and you could have a meeting with everybody involved.  Worse senario you find an other job in one month. 
Anonymous
Posted: Thursday, February 26, 2009 1:09 PM

Get off the yacht ????   What kinda drug you smoke'n.   Read the newspapers.....times are tough.  A pro never shoots themselves in the foot.  Feed on his  cash, drink  his rum,  dig in, put on your gear and GET EVEN.    IBNA........"in us they trust"


Anonymous
Posted: Thursday, February 26, 2009 1:35 PM
I think this is a clear cut case of sexual harassment, I understand that you value your job, but stand up for yourself!  The owner has no intention of making you the next misses, he feels that since he is paying you anyways he's entitled to"a little extra" He is treating you as a prostitute, not a professional.  Personally, if the owner chased me around his cabin, there would be no need for explainations, his bloody nose would indicate the exact nature of the problem!
JT
Posted: Thursday, February 26, 2009 2:33 PM
Joined: 25/02/2009
Posts: 4


This reeks of p*** taking, people.  Don't be sucked in.  I don't believe a word of it.  Nice story.  Embellish it and you could write a book LOL

stevenpete
Posted: Thursday, February 26, 2009 3:22 PM
Joined: 09/01/2009
Posts: 21


It’s obvious that you enjoy your job and would prefer to do nothing that would jeopardize it. The worst things you could do would be to be too aggressive, like slapping the owner, or being too passive, like giving your notice. It’s a funny thing about, “crossing the line.” For most of us, we don’t realize we’ve gone too far until AFTER we’ve already gone too far. Fortunately, most of us are sensible enough to speak up quickly when we’ve been crossed, and most of us are alert enough to know when we’ve gone too far and need to seriously back off.

I would suggest taking the middle ground and be as proactive as possible. I’ll give you an example of what I would do. Of course, you’ll have to decide your own course.

First, Prepare for the Worst. I would talk to someone like an attorney, but not to sue the owner. I would tell them upfront that you don’t intent to sue, but just in case you are wrongfully terminated, you want to be prepared. Tell them everything about your relationship with the owner. Then, ask for advice on how to further document your harassments, or illegal termination, if needed.

Second, Address the Owner. Don’t make a big scene, don’t setup a meeting, and don’t even show any strong emotions at all. But, the next time he makes an advance on you, be prepared with a strong comeback and follow-up response. Don’t be rude, don’t be overly dramatic and don’t embarrass the owner. Say something like, “Mr. _______, how do you expect me to work for you if you keep coming on to me?” Or, “Do I have to have sex with you to keep my job?” or “I love my job and I have enjoyed working with you and your family for these five years. I have shown you and your family nothing but respect in that time, and I would expect you will continue to do the same with me.”

Third, Follow Up. Don’t avoid the owner, don’t give him an awkward grin when you pass him in the hall, and don’t be overly friendly afterwards. Let it pass. Show him that you have no hard feelings, that you won’t embarrass him and that you expect the same.

You may have to do this one or two more times. One the second time, make it very clear that you already told him how you feel. One the third time, be very direct. Tell him that he must stop what he’s doing and that you’re not going to tell him again. If it occurs again, you have a case built up and you can be sure that you won’t be the victim in this unfortunate situation. But, if he stops his behavior, then problem solved.


Anonymous
Posted: Thursday, February 26, 2009 4:39 PM

Even more important...begin to look for a new job...once located,  you have the confidence to call any shot.

Rule number 9 in the crew handbook...never leave a job unless you can walk into another....dem is da rules


Anonymous
Posted: Friday, February 27, 2009 7:18 AM
Is it even remotely possible that the owner is suffering from the altheimer thing? How old is the bloke? Maybe he's gone dotty.
Crew Confessor
Posted: Friday, February 27, 2009 9:40 PM
Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 94


Dear Desired Stew,

I think you should make discreet plans to leave the boat. Spring is upon us and, though this isn't the best of times to be looking for a new position, with your longevity your chances of securing a new position are better than most. Notice I used the word discreet. As one of the commentators above suggested I too am inclined to wonder if the owner might be suffering from the beginning symptoms of Alzheimers. This unfortunate disease often manifests itself in improper sexual expression. In other words his intentions were always there but his brain was functioning and he did not act on his impulse to ravish you while changing his sheets in the master. If he is suffering from the onset of senility these inhibitions often fall away. Have you noticed any other behaviors that might suggest this condition? It might even be a reason for the rumored divorce.

To be perfectly honest I think you should get off the yacht. Play it cool till you find another position, give proper notice and leave on good terms. If nothing turns up, a distinct possibility in these times, and the old horndog continues with his tiresome ways, it might behoove you to have a quiet, very private chat with the Mrs. expressing to her that you are concerned about the Mr. without getting too salacious. He very well may be ill and medications might help. Of course if the divorce goes through the yacht may very well be de-crewed and put up for sale, so all of your work toward looking for a new position will come to the fore.

About the son? Forget about it. I think you were just trifling with the Crew Confessor here. A few years from now if you happen to run into each other...

Don't ever be embarrassed to ask for help or advice when you are being harassed. Especially sexually harassed! The victim (you) should feel indignation, anger, many emotions, but embarrassment should never be one of them. The perpetrator should feel shame and embarrassment. After all, if you were robbed you wouldn't phone the police and say, "Officer, I'm so embarrassed, I was robbed," would you?

So get on with it. Put out a quiet word and I don't doubt you'll find a lovely yacht, after all your longevity is an achievement and speaks for itself. Good Captains will recognize this immediately and will also understand your reasons for leaving the vessel (be v. discreet about your reasons, impending divorce and sale of the vessel should be all that's necessary). Carry On, Your Crew Confessor
Anonymous
Posted: Friday, February 27, 2009 10:01 PM
CC, fatal flaw in your thought process, rape victims most often blame themselves, as do sexual harrassment victims. Think that one through again before you give "advice".
Crew Confessor
Posted: Friday, February 27, 2009 10:10 PM
Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 94


I am not unaware of the tendency for sexual victims to blame themselves. By pointing it out I meant only to encourage the victim to feel rightful indignation rather than shame and embarrassment.
Anonymous
Posted: Friday, February 27, 2009 10:28 PM
I'm sure it was an innocent mistake but you are a journalist and should do your research before proferring opinions. I can say what I like, meant with the. Eat intentions cos I'm wasting time wiring for the day to end. Also been there, not fun
Anonymous
Posted: Friday, February 27, 2009 10:37 PM
Sorry, typos sucked there. I'm using a phone and for some reason it gets confused from time to time. Bit like me really.
Crew Confessor
Posted: Friday, February 27, 2009 10:41 PM
Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 94


Shall I be more clear? My choice of words and phrase was NOT a mistake.
Anonymous
Posted: Friday, February 27, 2009 11:08 PM
Uninformed Patronising "have a nice cup of tea dear, it'll all come out in the wash. Lacks structure Waffling Certainly not pertinent. Sure you meant it but it comes across very badly particularly the sorry officer bit. heat-kitchen. Think again.
Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, February 28, 2009 3:59 AM
Anonymous wrote:

It's rally simple dahlin! Wait for the divorce papers to go through, sign on for the prenuptial agreement then kick dad to the curb. Get an apartment near the marina and set up house with junior while building your own boat. Once it is done, have junior move in a make him pay the upkeep. Of course you'll probably have to hang onto junior for a few years waiting for the trust fund to kick in and all, but once it does it is time for Prenup Chapter Two Verse Two.

Men are such suckers.  






Pure genius, thanks!

 
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