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Help! Yachting ruined my marriage
Anonymous
Posted: Friday, January 6, 2012 9:33 PM
What can I do?? Email from home:

“Darling I want a divorce”

Besides the perils of the sea, mariners have to deal with the perils of love. My wife and I met on a yacht and what brought our hearts together has slowly been tearing our relationship apart. My hopes for 2012 were dashed when my wife emailed me her new years wish, “Darling I want a divorce” Divorce is something that happens to other people right? Life is a series of positive and negative events that are a function of both circumstance and conscious decision, which equal the sum of who we are. Wishing to go back in time and replay life with hindsight is a dark emotional trap and I’m trying to not waste energy on things which prevent me from moving forward. The overwhelming number of sad love songs out there are very literally killing my soul and I am terrified about destroying our children's innocence during the breakup process. Deciding what to do and what not to do is overwhelming and trying to decipher legal jargon so I can choose between separation, divorce and a more creative solution makes time very literally stand still. I have no regrets and know that when things settle down I’ll be better off, as will my kids because I’ve spend the majority of their young lives away working and they think it’s mommy s house anyway and I’m sure the courts will make that so. My revised new years wish is too get as much quality time with my kids and go with what feels right and learn to enjoy simple things like the warmth of a lovers hug.
Henning
Posted: Friday, January 6, 2012 10:13 PM
Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 1053


Yep, 240-300 days a year away from home for 5 years and I ended up with a divorce as well, luckily no children involved. Best of luck to you, this is not a career for a 'family man'.

Anonymous
Posted: Friday, January 6, 2012 11:57 PM
Married for ten years, The wife and i worked together until the kids came. No problem with us. Being away for a while actually strengthens our relationship. You guys would have been divorced even sooner if you were together every day!
Anonymous
Posted: Friday, January 6, 2012 11:59 PM
Hey are you a pilot?
Henning
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 12:29 AM
Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 1053


Anonymous wrote:
Married for ten years, The wife and i worked together until the kids came. No problem with us. Being away for a while actually strengthens our relationship. You guys would have been divorced even sooner if you were together every day! Hey are you a pilot?


It's hard to tell really, every relationship is different. Pilot? Yep, my first captains job paid for my first license and the sea lion show tips bought me my first airplane.

benjaminfisher
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 12:37 AM
Joined: 10/05/2008
Posts: 21


Your opening line sounds like my story as I am sure many others. Sorry for the children, that is where I fault the women for not trying to make things work. But in time you will be able to move on, and being a single captain can be quite fun.
heevahova
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 1:15 AM
Joined: 12/07/2010
Posts: 58


The innocence of your kids is not in jeopardy, unless of coarse you db it all up. It's all about quality time, your too late though.
kapt_mark
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 9:09 AM
Joined: 30/06/2008
Posts: 81


Hope it works out for the best.

Notified by email of her intentions, that is weak.

Anonymous
Posted: Saturday, January 7, 2012 4:32 PM
The biggest problem in yachting industry is crew agreement regarding holidays. That MUST be change soon or later and already started. So to have normal life with family you need to have rotation, can be 3on/3off, 2/2, 4/2, any rotation is acceptable(of course permanent pay). From my experience I can say that mostly yachting crew don't think to much about family they are more like adventures people, want to see the world...for example when they have a holiday time again they are travelling instead to go home and visit their family....because of that they never think about rotation contract. But also crew agency need to start to think about that and push managements and owners regarding rotation in crew agreement=normal life
Anonymous
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 5:19 AM
Hey Benjamin, I take it you were saying that tongue in cheek about blaming the women for not making it work?  You see the thing about a partnership is that it involves both of you, yes that's right, two people.   And research shows that the most common reason for cheating or relationship failure is that one of the partners is feeling unsatisfied, weather it be emotionally, sexually, verbally or physically.  So before you go blaming her for it, did you ever think that maybe you might have been the original cause of the breakdown?  Communication is key, as is being able to compromise when necessary and not to mention similar goals and outlook on life.  So before you go pointing the finger at a gender because of what is obviously bitterness from your personal experience, maybe have a look at what you could have done to make it work better, then use that to not make the same mistake again!  Good luck

BlueWaterDragon
Posted: Wednesday, September 12, 2012 4:11 PM
Joined: 11/09/2012
Posts: 3


Hey ya, I currently live away from my kids and have done for a couple of years now. The main thing is to let them know that it's not their fault. Kids can easily blame themselves for something they do not understand. Try to stay friends with her, I know that one can be hard (Wasn't difficult for me, I still care about the kid's dad, life sucks so badly!) but try to make it work, even if it means getting a place nearish to hers so they don't have to travel too far and can see you whenever you're home. One thing to avoid is large scale gift giving at birthday christmas etc, it's tempting to throw money at them because you have it, but believe me it doesn't replace you. Give them your time instead, set up a regular time to call them (If you don't already) and stick to it as much as you can. If you can't call at the appointed time, do it as soon as you can. I know I'm probably instructing my maternal grandparent how to evacuate an avian pre-embronic shelled reproductive container, with the use of internal pressure provided by her airway, however, spmetimes things are so obvious that you miss them. I do hope this helps
Anonymous
Posted: Wednesday, March 13, 2013 4:34 AM
I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Oh well, my beloved boyfriend dumped me for the yachting.
Zenith
Posted: Wednesday, May 22, 2013 5:34 AM
Joined: 28/04/2011
Posts: 59


I am very sorry to hear of your plight and cannot imagine how difficult it is to deal with this when you are away.  

 As a seafarer since I was 17 years old, originally commercial before moving to yachting, I can completely appreciate the challenges that are faced. I met my wife on cruise ships, but even she at times doesn’t understand the life away. I also find that it’s easy to get distracted at work, and fail to make those important phone calls home.  

I would disagree with comments that a life at sea completely prohibits a quality family life, because there are many relationships that work. It is particularly important to find a way to find a balance, preferably through rotation.  

 I have to admit that I feared for my relationship at one point, and was concerned about spending time with my children. Thankfully, I have managed to secure a yacht position which provides shore side accommodation for the family, although it does mean residing in the Middle East. This is something which I feel was a make and break point, because it has been the longest time we’ve ever spent actually together, and I feel it’s made us stronger to handle the future if and when I return to a normal rotational position.  

This probably means nothing to you now, but we all feel what you are going through, and I hope that your situation improves in some way.  

 


 
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